Editor’s note: as regular readers will know, I’m always absolutely thrilled to welcome a new writer over on NIDC as part of our Friends of the Blog initiative; and that’s precisely what we’ve got on today’s docket.
In a memorable pop culture takedown, Wisconsinite and podcaster extraordinaire Charles Minnich explores the intersection of celebrity, privilege, and responsibility towards the common good in an unlikely place; the National Football League.
To tell you the truth, I've been fishing around in my social circles for a left wing popular culture writer for a little while; so when my friend and soon-to-be partner in podcasting crime Mr. Minnich volunteered to cover the Aaron Rodgers COVID story, I snapped at the chance to publish that. While an opinion piece about Rodgers' coronavirus lies might seem out of place on ninaillingworth.com, the truth is that this is a tale that exists inside a vortex of fame, obligations, and the politicization of anti-vaccine conspiracy theories. Whether Rodgers intended this or not, his decision to blame the fallout from his reactionary behavior on a rampaging "woke mob," has made this entire story inherently political.
Writing from the perspective of both an informed observer on the left, and a Green Bay Packers fan, our guest author tackles the facts, as well as their larger meaning; and in doing so, drops the hammer on Aaron Rodgers.
Editor’s note: well, we’re late again; despite giving myself two whole extra days to get this week’s picks column ready — here I am on Saturday afternoon typing away furiously with the clock ticking and the tiny fascist editor inside my head screaming bloody murder.
Unfortunately, this once again means no introductory story but I have been assured by numerous readers that roughly four thousand words worth of humors NFL picks are good enough for the weeks where that’s all I have time for. I thank you for your patience and I’d like to inform concerned readers that my cat Ginger has actually turned a few small corners and miraculously is in notably better shape than when I first brought her up here on this website. We’re not out of the woods yet, but we have a vet appointment on Monday and it seems like all the extra love and attention might’ve worked a minor miracle for my beloved kitty; it’s been a good week in my family and truthfully my difficulty finishing this column was more about a nagging case of writer’s block than anything else.
At this point, I’ll refrain from making any promises about the return of the Gambler and our intro stories; on weeks where I have time and inspiration I’ll write one, on weeks where I don’t, I’ll focus on making a few more picks to compensate — despite all outward appearances, I’ve learned that writing fiction under a deadline is actually quite hard sometimes.
As always picks are made against the Pinnacle line at the time I write the column, our choice to win is listed first and home teams are printed in all caps. Please be reminded this website is not responsible in any way if you take gambling advice from a deranged madwoman who still hasn’t managed to break .500 on a week this season; at this point we’re subsidizing Vegas with “the vig” each week — or we would be, if we were actually gambling officer.
PATRIOTS (-1) over Texans:
During last week’s column, I blithely suggested that “New England could promise to hold a bloody punt, pass and kick contest at halftime to see who gets to play quarterback for the rest of the game and I’d still be picking them” — which as it turns out, is precisely what happened last Sunday when the Patriot’s latest attempt at cloning Tom Brady was slammed hard into the dirt and Jimmy “I’m still looking this shit up every time I have to spell it” Garoppolo went down with a fucked up shoulder.
Reports indicate that Garoppolo is technically dressing for this game as the backup QB but that’s pretty much entirely because Bill Belichick is a stone cold mutherfucker with a long, long memory and Jimmy is hoping to someday succeed Tom Brady in New England; he absolutely cannot fucking play after folding his goddamn throwing wing up like that just four days ago and everyone (including the Texans) knows it. Dutifully, I have spent parts of the past three days watching all nine (yes, nine) passes something or someone called Jacoby Brissett threw against Miami last week on loop like every other deranged gambling addict in the country and I can say with some certainty that Brissett is basically terrible; at least for the moment.
This is a problem, because the Patriots are facing off against a devastating pass rush from a Texans front seven that can be best described as a “pack of psycho, fucked-up butchers” who just happen to play football; Brissett’s family should probably consider taking out a goddamn life insurance policy under an assumed name at this point because the rookie is going to get hit hard and often by a defense that knows New England doesn’t have another “real” quarterback available for this game. Don’t expect the run game to help out much either; the Texans defense is vulnerable to speed when they over-pursue but they eat lard-ass power backs like Legarrette Blount for fucking breakfast on the regular — New England is going to have to win this game in the air, with a rookie 3rd-round QB throwing at least twenty-five passes.
The Texans have prepared all summer for this game; they dropped $72M on a goddamn Ent who plays quarterback just because he beat the Patriots in Denver last year, they’ve known for months they wouldn’t have to face Tom Brady and just about everyone on the fucking planet is assuming they’ll get the job done against a team that might seriously be starting Julian Edelman at QB by the fourth quarter.
This is of course, exactly why the Patriots are going to win this game outright on Thursday Night Football after Bill Belichick drags their asses to a “ho-hum” victory through a combination of dark magic, the ritual sacrifice of a practice squad punter and sheer, unbridled assholery.
I told you folks last week, I’m done losing money because I forgot about Dre.
DOLPHINS (+10) over Browns:
Look, I really don’t want to spend a lot of time talking about this game because objectively, it’s going to be a goddamn crime against football and if you’re the type of person who can actually sit through a contest this fucking terrible from start to completion — you’ve got way damn bigger problems than a ten point Dolphins spread.
I’d merely like to point out that this game represents a reasoned violation of one of our “mostly immutable” rules of wagering; Miami has in no way shape or goddamn form proven that they’re capable of covering a ten point spread and under normal circumstances I’d slam Cleveland so hard here, I’d end up in traction — which is basically where most of the Browns best players are right now and therein lies the problem.
Over the past two seasons we’ve been rewarded by picking Cleveland to cover when shockingly competent Browns QB Josh McCown is playing but he apparently snapped his collarbone like a deep-fried chicken wing (again) last week and the Browns are starting a rookie QB (Cody Kessler) that even management admits is nowhere near ready to play at the bloody NFL level. The Browns are now so desperate at the most important position in football that they actually signed the quarterback-like substance and accomplished clipboard warrior Charlie fucking Whitehurst to back up Kessler; despite the former having proven conclusively over his eleven year career that having Chuck Whitehurst at quarterback is pretty much exactly the same goddamn thing as having no quarterback at all.
The Dolphins don’t really deserve our faith this Sunday, but I’m not even sure the Browns can actually score on offense at this point and Cleveland is already staring at a long, painful year of absolutely fucking brutal tanking; in week three of the 2016 season.
Editor’s note: unfortunately, a minor medical emergency in my
household last evening threw me off schedule and as a result, I wasn’t
able to finish this week’s NFL picks article until late Thursday
evening; just before the Jets-Bills game started. Sadly, I was also
unable to write a proper introduction for this week’s column as well and
I’m not entirely sure this is going to be the funniest picks article
I’ve ever written – for reasons I’ll explain below
As those of you who read this website are no doubt already aware,
I am currently caring for my best friend in the entire world; who just
happens to be a sick, nearly twenty year old cat who means more to me
than air. She’s currently doing alright, but the prognosis isn’t good
and I’m just trying to spend as much quality time with her as I can,
while I can; if you understand my meaning. At some point yesterday, the
stress apparently just became a little too much for me and I passed out,
somewhat involuntarily and for about ten hours.
I’m awake and feeling markedly better now, but the part of me
that writes funny jokes appears to be just beyond my ability to summon
at the moment. In light of this, I’ve written up this week’s picks with a
bit of a heavy heart and ask that you excuse me if it all comes off
just a little bit too much like a normal sports article; I’m doing the
best I can with the tools I’ve got to work with right now. Assuming
there are no other setbacks in the immediate future, the adventures of
“the Gambler” and our regular NFL picks column should return next
Wednesday at the normal time and normal length – thank you in advance
for your understanding.
* * * * *
Jets (-1) over BILLS:
Week two opens with the accursed, game-like
substance known as Thursday Night Football in an AFC East divisional
match-up that features two teams who are not the Patriots and are
therefore completely irrelevant to anyone outside of their own,
immediate families. This game is also the NFL’s first “Color Rush”
contest of the 2016 Season, which means at least one squad
will be wearing hideous, gimmick uniforms designed expressly for the
purpose of selling fans more useless shit; in last year’s Jets/Bills
“Color Rush” game the teams wore monochrome red & green uniforms
that made it impossible for colorblind people
to watch the game on TV – which considering the general quality of your
average AFC East divisional match-up, may have been a mercy.
After a frustrating one point loss to
Bengals last week, Jets fans have to come away from week one with one
utterly terrifying question: is the warden of Revis Island done as a
shutdown corner in the NFL or is AJ Green just that fucking good that he
can embarrass Darrelle Revis all goddamn afternoon like that? Saying
that Revis was repeatedly burnt like fucking toast in his match-up with
Green last week would be a mild understatement and while it’s true that
Revis was dueling with one of the top WR in the NFL all day; that’s not
supposed to be a problem for a corner of number twenty-four’s stature.
Revis is a little banged-up at the moment but if he’s truly done as an
elite corner, then the possibility of an elite Jet’s defense is probably
done with him – although they should remain very good and welcome back noted child-care specialist Sheldon Richardson to an already savage defensive line this game.
Virtually everyone in sports media seems to
be picking the Bills in this match-up based on some bizarre trust in
“Rex Ryan voodoo against his old team” theories and because the Bills
have won six out of the last seven contests between the two; which is a
fine enough idea unless you saw how incredibly fucking putrid the Bill’s
offense was last week against the Ravens. Buffalo got absolutely
goddamn mauled up front by a Raven’s front seven that isn’t anywhere
near as good as the Jets are; causing last-season’s breakout Bills QB
Tyrod Taylor to look so confused and utterly ordinary that Buffalo’s
season might legitimately be in jeopardy already after one fucking game.
Star WR/dreadlocked warrior-king Sammy Watkins is still limping around
on a fucked up foot that is at this point, beginning to call into
question whether allowing one of the most gifted receivers of his
generation to continually play on the harrowing, crappy turf at New Era
Field represents a legitimate crime against humanity. He’s questionable
for the game but if past history has taught us anything it’s that
Watkins will play even on a smashed-up drumstick b/c the rest of the
Bill’s offense is so fucking terrible, even half of Sammy Watkins
represents a massive improvement.
When in doubt, always take the team capable
of keeping it’s QB alive for four quarters; right now, there’s no
evidence the Bills can do that against a NY Jet’s front seven that’s so
aggressively violent they should be hooking up with Mobb Deep for a
reunion tour.
“Good god man, of fucking course not – you know full damn well that
my idea of fantasy football is fifteen minutes alone in a locked,
windowless room with the Ford Family and a goddamn chainsaw” I replied,
slamming the car door shut and moving towards the store.
“And just what in the name of fucking christ is a harambe by the way?”
* * * * *
Panthers (-3) over BRONCOS:
Look, let’s just get one goddamn thing
absolutely fucking clear before we talk about this game; Thursday Night
Football is an abomination against all that is right, pure and true in
this exulted national pastime that also happens to slowly turn grown
men’s brains into a scarred mass of dysfunctional, bleeding hamburger.
The games are notoriously lousy, having to start the NFL schedule in
the middle of the week plays absolute hell with bookies and the only
reason the league insists on trotting out an inferior product every
Thursday night is because advertisers are preternaturally attracted to
prime-time, pro football; no matter how shitty the games are.
With all of that having been noted however,
this match-up is probably about as good as it gets on Thursday Night
Football as it features a rematch of last year’s Superbowl and arguably
the best defense in each respective conference. The Broncos won that
game 24-10 but unfortunately for them, they’re replacing a future Hall
of Famer at the most important position in professional football with a
guy who may well be asking you if you want fries with your Big Mac in
three years.
Frankly, I have no fucking idea how good
Trevor Siemian is, you have no fucking idea how good Trevor Siemian is –
hell, Trevor’s own damn mother probably has no fucking idea how good he
is either. What I do know is that the last time a seventh round draft
pick with a grand fucking total of one season and one snap under his
belt successfully replaced a two-time Superbowl winning, Hall of Fame
quarterback was – well, probably fucking never; I’m certainly not
looking that shit up. Both teams have lost high performance, mutant
freak athletes on the defensive side of the ball this offseason but only
one of these squads has a 6’5, 230lb quarterback who single-handedly declared America “beyond” racism this summer in an interview with GQ magazine. Thanks Cam; that should totally solve everything buddy.
For those of you keeping score at home –
this week’s official “White America Cam Newton Approval Rating” is “Doug
Williams” with a side of “not Colin Kaepernick.”
