Editor’s note: unfortunately, a minor medical emergency in my household last evening threw me off schedule and as a result, I wasn’t able to finish this week’s NFL picks article until late Thursday evening; just before the Jets-Bills game started. Sadly, I was also unable to write a proper introduction for this week’s column as well and I’m not entirely sure this is going to be the funniest picks article I’ve ever written – for reasons I’ll explain below
As those of you who read this website are no doubt already aware, I am currently caring for my best friend in the entire world; who just happens to be a sick, nearly twenty year old cat who means more to me than air. She’s currently doing alright, but the prognosis isn’t good and I’m just trying to spend as much quality time with her as I can, while I can; if you understand my meaning. At some point yesterday, the stress apparently just became a little too much for me and I passed out, somewhat involuntarily and for about ten hours.
I’m awake and feeling markedly better now, but the part of me that writes funny jokes appears to be just beyond my ability to summon at the moment. In light of this, I’ve written up this week’s picks with a bit of a heavy heart and ask that you excuse me if it all comes off just a little bit too much like a normal sports article; I’m doing the best I can with the tools I’ve got to work with right now. Assuming there are no other setbacks in the immediate future, the adventures of “the Gambler” and our regular NFL picks column should return next Wednesday at the normal time and normal length – thank you in advance for your understanding.
* * * * *
Jets (-1) over BILLS:
Week two opens with the accursed, game-like
substance known as Thursday Night Football in an AFC East divisional
match-up that features two teams who are not the Patriots and are
therefore completely irrelevant to anyone outside of their own,
immediate families. This game is also the NFL’s first “Color Rush”
contest of the 2016 Season, which means at least one squad
will be wearing hideous, gimmick uniforms designed expressly for the
purpose of selling fans more useless shit; in last year’s Jets/Bills
“Color Rush” game the teams wore monochrome red & green uniforms
that made it impossible for colorblind people
to watch the game on TV – which considering the general quality of your
average AFC East divisional match-up, may have been a mercy.
After a frustrating one point loss to
Bengals last week, Jets fans have to come away from week one with one
utterly terrifying question: is the warden of Revis Island done as a
shutdown corner in the NFL or is AJ Green just that fucking good that he
can embarrass Darrelle Revis all goddamn afternoon like that? Saying
that Revis was repeatedly burnt like fucking toast in his match-up with
Green last week would be a mild understatement and while it’s true that
Revis was dueling with one of the top WR in the NFL all day; that’s not
supposed to be a problem for a corner of number twenty-four’s stature.
Revis is a little banged-up at the moment but if he’s truly done as an
elite corner, then the possibility of an elite Jet’s defense is probably
done with him – although they should remain very good and welcome back noted child-care specialist Sheldon Richardson to an already savage defensive line this game.
Virtually everyone in sports media seems to
be picking the Bills in this match-up based on some bizarre trust in
“Rex Ryan voodoo against his old team” theories and because the Bills
have won six out of the last seven contests between the two; which is a
fine enough idea unless you saw how incredibly fucking putrid the Bill’s
offense was last week against the Ravens. Buffalo got absolutely
goddamn mauled up front by a Raven’s front seven that isn’t anywhere
near as good as the Jets are; causing last-season’s breakout Bills QB
Tyrod Taylor to look so confused and utterly ordinary that Buffalo’s
season might legitimately be in jeopardy already after one fucking game.
Star WR/dreadlocked warrior-king Sammy Watkins is still limping around
on a fucked up foot that is at this point, beginning to call into
question whether allowing one of the most gifted receivers of his
generation to continually play on the harrowing, crappy turf at New Era
Field represents a legitimate crime against humanity. He’s questionable
for the game but if past history has taught us anything it’s that
Watkins will play even on a smashed-up drumstick b/c the rest of the
Bill’s offense is so fucking terrible, even half of Sammy Watkins
represents a massive improvement.
When in doubt, always take the team capable
of keeping it’s QB alive for four quarters; right now, there’s no
evidence the Bills can do that against a NY Jet’s front seven that’s so
aggressively violent they should be hooking up with Mobb Deep for a
reunion tour.
Read the rest of the article today on ninaillingworth.com...
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