“Good god man, of fucking course not – you know full damn well that my idea of fantasy football is fifteen minutes alone in a locked, windowless room with the Ford Family and a goddamn chainsaw” I replied, slamming the car door shut and moving towards the store.
“And just what in the name of fucking christ is a harambe by the way?”
* * * * *
Panthers (-3) over BRONCOS:
Look, let’s just get one goddamn thing
absolutely fucking clear before we talk about this game; Thursday Night
Football is an abomination against all that is right, pure and true in
this exulted national pastime that also happens to slowly turn grown
men’s brains into a scarred mass of dysfunctional, bleeding hamburger.
The games are notoriously lousy, having to start the NFL schedule in
the middle of the week plays absolute hell with bookies and the only
reason the league insists on trotting out an inferior product every
Thursday night is because advertisers are preternaturally attracted to
prime-time, pro football; no matter how shitty the games are.
With all of that having been noted however,
this match-up is probably about as good as it gets on Thursday Night
Football as it features a rematch of last year’s Superbowl and arguably
the best defense in each respective conference. The Broncos won that
game 24-10 but unfortunately for them, they’re replacing a future Hall
of Famer at the most important position in professional football with a
guy who may well be asking you if you want fries with your Big Mac in
three years.
Frankly, I have no fucking idea how good
Trevor Siemian is, you have no fucking idea how good Trevor Siemian is –
hell, Trevor’s own damn mother probably has no fucking idea how good he
is either. What I do know is that the last time a seventh round draft
pick with a grand fucking total of one season and one snap under his
belt successfully replaced a two-time Superbowl winning, Hall of Fame
quarterback was – well, probably fucking never; I’m certainly not
looking that shit up. Both teams have lost high performance, mutant
freak athletes on the defensive side of the ball this offseason but only
one of these squads has a 6’5, 230lb quarterback who single-handedly declared America “beyond” racism this summer in an interview with GQ magazine. Thanks Cam; that should totally solve everything buddy.
For those of you keeping score at home –
this week’s official “White America Cam Newton Approval Rating” is “Doug
Williams” with a side of “not Colin Kaepernick.”
Read the rest of the article here on ninaillingworth.com...
- Nina Illingworth
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